desires

Originally uploaded by georgie>milne

i need photography.

joanna

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds...

"Sometimes, when people decide to leave you for good, you have to let them. No matter how much you don’t want them to. There are some things that are far beyond our control and even if you have the strength to fight for them, you have to accept the cold, harsh truth… THAT THE PEOPLE YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT, CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOU."

http://poundingheartbeat.com/category/heartbreak/

I seem to have stumbled upon a gold-mine of stories of people feeling pretty much the same as me. (at least the first few) They know what it feels like to lose someone close to you... especially when they technically aren't gone. I feel like this has been such a common occurrence lately. I seem to have this issue where I truly don't trust that people in relationships won't leave me. It is only because this has happened to me so many times before. Worst of all is that in other situations I wholeheartedly know that the person is not avoiding me or choosing the other person over me or even aware that I feel alone. I know the person is trying to include me in things and I know they're doing an amazing job at that, but still I blow random things out of proportion. I want them to be happy and have alone time and feel like I steal their alone time, and then I selfishly want my friend to just be mine. But I know better. I know that really im not being ignored, at least not this time. Things are so much different, but I still can't help to feel lonesome and longing for my friend. Its just been one of those weeks where i know we both need someone, and you have another shoulder to cry on but I just don't. Well I do, mine are just harder to find i suppose while yours is at hand ready to be there for you. I don't know. I know you have not abandoned me at all and I really don't want you to spend less time with him at all because I know unlike everyone else you have not just up and left me since you have a boyfriend. You're a better friend, and more experienced in relationship/friend etiquette. It has just happened to me so many times that I get this way and worry that it is only mere days before you forget about me. But I know... I know that is not happening. Its only a delusion i have.

Aside from that, there are plenty more lost people. Jessica. I miss you more than you even understand. I guess you don't need us anymore. As the quote said that is out of my control. I want you more than anything to realize and know that we are always here for you and never ever want you to feel distant from us. It seems as though either you or your family no longer want us in your life. I'm sorry that we were initially unaware of your problem. We weren't trying to be a bad influence or even to keep you addicted. You had other "friends" for that. As soon as we knew what was going on we tried with everything we could to help you break free. Everyday I am proud that you conquered your demon but I wish you could really see how proud I was and I guess I wish you needed me. You were always an amazing shoulder to lean on as well and I miss you for that! I never wanted to see you leave. I'm glad you did what was right for you and once again it is selfish of me to want you here with me but I just love and miss you and care about you. I wish you could read this. I wish I had a way to contact you. I think that is what hurts the most. I can't even contact you occasionally to make sure you're ok and still doing good. I really care about you and things just aren't the same without you at all!

Our group is falling apart piece by piece. Fuck you. Come over for Beatles rockband! Fucking fine. I'm so glad to see thats a great reason to come over. I'm so glad to know you miss us so much since we never see any of you as much as we used to. Whatever. And how about you? You're so depressed and going through so much of what we in this house have faced or are facing or at least know about. We've offered ourselves to you. you claim you aren't avoiding us. Sure as hell seems like it! I want you around. At this point I don't know if I miss you. That is probably because I don't know you. Who are you now? I appreciate you telling me that you have been hiding under a facade of happiness. Some of us deal with that from time to time. understandable your circumstance is different. Ok but I told you I don't care who you are once that mask comes off! Just show me the real you. Sad, happy, suicidal, crazy. I don't care. I want to get to know the real you because at this point you are only a stranger I've known for a year and a half. A stranger who wont come over and introduce herself. I want you to be happy and I want to help. I just feel bad for you now. I still love you because I know somewhere in there we have a friendship. I just want to find it again.

This feels so good. to just get things out. I'm so glad that I was able to talk to stephen tonight. He really made my night so much better. Hopefully counseling goes well tomorrow. I know I can feel better soon It just hurts to feel down. It is so unlike me. And i know when it comes i usually hide it because its just small bursts of sadness but this one has lasted too long. Let the world know I'm depressed and I'm trying to fix that.

Till next time...

The magic of disney

This is the disneyland I remember as a child. I remembered from the first time going,young, very young, I recall the carts that went over the park. Going to disneyland again as an older child I remember the carts no longer being hung. I remember not knowing what amusement park I had been taken to back in the day where these carts floated over the park were and it frustrated me. I had a pretty certain feeling they had been at disneyland but having gone back as a child and not seen then I questioned my certainty. This isn't the first time I've since found out the carts were in fact at disneyland and not of my imagination, but I wanted to share the picture because I so clearly reminded me of the view I once saw.

How do you get under my skin?

Photo by Stephen Gray via Flickr

http://www.flickr.com/photos/xgray/785731915/in/set-72157600776894233/

I have failed to post a blog in multiple months. This saddens me greatly! I was supposed to post a blog every month. At least one blog entry each month was required of me by me for to feel accomplished and as therapy. I did not accomplish this and slacked off. I would like to point out that i was quite busy at school and that i did attempt to write a few times but i had nothing to say. I only had the obvious, I was tired. 

Right now im awake at a ridiculous time (for anyone but me) while i should be sleeping. I should be sleeping because tomorrow im going to fullerton to attend a work meeting ive just recently found out isnt mandatory. no matter, i wont be mentioning that fact to my mother as she booked the hotel before i even knew and would be mad me for indicating a reason to cancel this semi impromptu family trip. nonetheless i want to see katie and all my work friends anyways! 

What to write about? hum... what has happened recently? im not even sure. I can assure you since i last updated on the boy front much has changed. i like no one i did before when i was posting here. I want to believe i like no one but my occasionally inebriated mind seems to want me to accept im not fully over some but i sure hope to overcome that soon!

I have been in Sanger and Fresno all summer besides for pride and my previous one day work commitment (along with my birthday at disneyland of course). I used a one week pass to the gym and am working on getting a one month membership until school starts. I feel like im looking better. I certainly feel alot better. Now i just need to keep it up and really buckle down at the end of summer. So besides failing at posting in this blog i dont feel like much of a failure! 

OH! I got a new car. Charlie Fontana with the beautiful hair died on Kings Canyon! I now have a brand new 2010 Toyota Corolla named Charles II. He's bright blue and a flaming homosexual but i love him for exactly who he is! haha 

alrighty, I need to be off to bed! I feel good having posted but now i must sleep!

till next time...

ink blots

I don't understand how someone can stir up so many different emotions in me. I miss this person but I'm mad at this person, and terrified of them.

Party Mentality 2-4

I want to make you as lonely as me so you can get, get addicted to this.

credit to Chad Hunter of Flickr

I cant believe I almost allowed a whole month to pass blogless. I wrote and drew out the most recent party mentality series but have yet to figure out where the first and last page went. I am getting ready to go play tourist and uber fan in Los Angeles with Olivia. I want to update this blog as there is alot that has changed since my last update. For now know everything has changed and I'm feeling amazing.

till next time later.......

for coughing outloud

I feel like I never came home. I went through the motions of Christmas eve and Christmas. Besides getting some amazing gifts and being with my family I just wasn’t there. I don’t need a second family. I want to see MY family. I hardly ever see them anyways. I don’t need your family on top of mine. Don’t get me wrong, I love our secondary family, I just want to see my own family, or so I thought. After a very uncomfortable 3 night “vacation” I think I have had enough family time for this trip. Maybe I’ll be more keen to them when we aren’t all trying to share a hotel room. That was a disaster.

Anyways, I continue to be sick. My cough was part of the reason the family had a hard time in one room. I hate coughing. If you’ve never felt like you were dying try attempting to cough up phlegm. Its gross. It makes you feel like your head is going to fall off or that you will never be able to breath again. Its like those asthma public service announcements with the kid who says he feels like a fish out of water. I feel like I’m in a place where I cant breathe, swallow or live. I know this feeling all too well from my childhood asthma. I cant always cough it all out. I need to get my sinuses checked because I kinda wanna breath again. Its just a small desire.

This weekend I spent a lot of time taking pictures. I bought some black and white film. Im quite excited to see that developed. Speaking of developed, Kodak called me as we were entering San Francisco telling me they had some pictures of mine. Considering I assumed these rolls lost forever, this was amazing news to me. I don’t think I could have actually handled having these important personal art projects lost forever, especially before I even saw the results.

I’m going to go back to this ridiculously bumpy car ride and try to fall asleep. Slightly impossible with a dying ipod but I will try t last.

Till next time…

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas. 

♥ JK

wrong place, right time.

I have been sleeping on the couch for the past 3 days.

I have a bed.

I have a room.

Why can't I just sleep there?

Great question.

I realized that each day I became more confused with my feelings, the more naturally I gravitated towards my new sleeping place. I was comfortable. The couches are rock hard. 

I feel like I was pushing myself out of my own room. It is about as much of a mess as my mind was. 

I feel I have successfully cleared my mind and as a symbol I cleared my bed.

I'm going to go sleep there now, after I draw and write a back dated blog. 

Party Mentality Part II

Till next time...