for coughing outloud

I feel like I never came home. I went through the motions of Christmas eve and Christmas. Besides getting some amazing gifts and being with my family I just wasn’t there. I don’t need a second family. I want to see MY family. I hardly ever see them anyways. I don’t need your family on top of mine. Don’t get me wrong, I love our secondary family, I just want to see my own family, or so I thought. After a very uncomfortable 3 night “vacation” I think I have had enough family time for this trip. Maybe I’ll be more keen to them when we aren’t all trying to share a hotel room. That was a disaster.

Anyways, I continue to be sick. My cough was part of the reason the family had a hard time in one room. I hate coughing. If you’ve never felt like you were dying try attempting to cough up phlegm. Its gross. It makes you feel like your head is going to fall off or that you will never be able to breath again. Its like those asthma public service announcements with the kid who says he feels like a fish out of water. I feel like I’m in a place where I cant breathe, swallow or live. I know this feeling all too well from my childhood asthma. I cant always cough it all out. I need to get my sinuses checked because I kinda wanna breath again. Its just a small desire.

This weekend I spent a lot of time taking pictures. I bought some black and white film. Im quite excited to see that developed. Speaking of developed, Kodak called me as we were entering San Francisco telling me they had some pictures of mine. Considering I assumed these rolls lost forever, this was amazing news to me. I don’t think I could have actually handled having these important personal art projects lost forever, especially before I even saw the results.

I’m going to go back to this ridiculously bumpy car ride and try to fall asleep. Slightly impossible with a dying ipod but I will try t last.

Till next time…

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas. 

♥ JK

wrong place, right time.

I have been sleeping on the couch for the past 3 days.

I have a bed.

I have a room.

Why can't I just sleep there?

Great question.

I realized that each day I became more confused with my feelings, the more naturally I gravitated towards my new sleeping place. I was comfortable. The couches are rock hard. 

I feel like I was pushing myself out of my own room. It is about as much of a mess as my mind was. 

I feel I have successfully cleared my mind and as a symbol I cleared my bed.

I'm going to go sleep there now, after I draw and write a back dated blog. 

Party Mentality Part II

Till next time...

you fucking spilled again?

why?
I had my plan.
I knew if you came you would shatter it.
why did you give me a gift.
I still think its just a friendly gift.
nothing more nothing less.
fuck my period and mood swings.
damn it.

when you lose something you cant replace...

light a match, douse a flame

Photo credit to Andrew Magill of Flikr.

My mind changes constantly. I have such varied emotions. They change as the time of the day changes. I spoke of boys and confusion previously and the same still holds true, except i am amazed at how quickly things can change. The person that is always around, is funny but seemingly a bad match for me is no longer on my mind as much. Since neither of us are willing to acknowledge the insignificance, or significance, of the other night, I have stopped thinking about it. I let girl mind kick in for like 5 minutes. I thought of what we would look like as a couple and I realized I don't care. I find you attractive in an awkward and odd way because of your personality. You are funny but you are not charming. You don't make me melt and it isn't worth it to keep thinking about something so insignificant as the possibility of having played footsies when I have much more important things to do. We can't even hold a conversation, not that we have really tried. I know that the you of this story does not have a high likely hood of reading this so I am not worried that he will be offended, but I should clarify that I am not tearing you down as a person or even as a person of interest. I still know there is some odd quality about you that attracts me to you. I believe it is your wit. Nonetheless, I am done allowing it to stress me out. 

Then there is a whole different character who makes me smile but may not think of me as I might be starting to think of him. He is interested in photography. We can hold a conversation, even if the conversation has other members, we tend to hold the reigns. You are sweet to me and my friends but sometimes I know I try too hard to have you notice me. I have ceased this because it really is pathetic to do. I will just talk to you like any other person. I hope you see me for the real me, not the person I sometimes seem like. I may wear bright colors and dresses but when it comes down to it I can rough it and I love the outdoors. I love adventure and I love to dance and be free and you seem like someone who shares those interests. On the other hand you also seem well sought after and I feel I have a very small chance of making it to the top of your priority list in terms of females. Thankfully, you have a personality that makes me feel like I don't have any reason to swoon over you. I think your friendship would more than suffice. You are a fun person to be around and that makes me happy. But lets not get ahead of yourself Joanna. You have not known this person long. I have a feeling though if I continue to visit my friends, a house you seem to frequent, we will get to know each other much better. 

Lastly, there is another you. He is sweet, older and a perfect gentleman. Normally I truly swoon over him and have to work to make words come out of my mouth. Today I gave you a hug and I felt nothing. I was no longer in "love" with you. I am not over you. We don't have enough to talk about. I need you to tell me your interests. I don't think one of them is me. That really doesn't bother me anymore. I think having you as an acquaintance is enough. :)

Till next time...

let me tell you about my best friend.

Photo credit for the picture (before I edited it a bit) goes to Mandy Crandell of Flikr.

I have been so worried about us lately. I wanted to feel like we were as close as before and I knew I was wrong. I needed my own space. I needed to remember why I love you. I needed to feel like you were my best friend. 

I am positive were still peachy. I know this because, no matter how hard I try to keep things to myself, to leave my problems in my own mind, I can never prevent myself from telling you. I will talk myself out of telling you something all day but by the time I see you or by the time were going to bed, I have to tell you. I need my best friends input. You are still a person I need in my life and I love. You are so important to me. If you meant nothing to me I wouldn't feel the need to tell you things. I wouldn't have my subconscious pushing the words out of my mouth into your ears no matter what. You always listen and respond and that is so important for me. you are truly a blessing in my life no matter how many small time "fights" we get into. I'm really sorry I am not as good of a listener to you as you are to me. Its my nature. I am too easily distracted but know I do love you and I want you to see that. To know that no matter how internally annoyed with you I can ever get, I still love you and I can never HATE you so please don't feel like I do.

with love,

Joanna

fancy footwork

Credit for this picture belongs to Madeleine Burke of Flikr. It's beautiful.

Where does the line cross from touching feet to playing footsies?

If you just leave your foot there and allow the other person to keep theirs there as well, are you playing footsies or just both being too stubborn to move your feet.

When do you ask the question if something has begun?

When do you understand the things you feel?

There are a few different people because of whom I have these questions to think about. Some have more urgent priority. Some are so wrong for me but I can't shake the random attraction, and some are perfect, or so they seem.

Boys are much too confusing. I normally don't even care but my hormones refuse to let me forget the people I like. 

Once again I find myself missing my fist "boyfriend," Chris and feeling bad about leading him on at the time because I didn't know what I wanted. Now I miss him occasionally and I miss his friendship more than anything. We didn't even begin as friends. We jumped straight from meeting at a show to having romantic conversations. 

I want a real relationship. I don't need one. I am not going to go search for one and I

m not going to complain when one doesn't see its way to me. 

Till next time...

you're in the city of wonder.

This first semester has been an adventure. 

Things I've learned so far:

1. Everyone who lives on the 1st. floor should leave their door open. 

2. I have really odd and confusing attractions to several guys who "arent my type"

3. I have a high alcohol tolerance. 

4. I will always miss my friends from home.

5. My phone can survive some crazy shit.

6. I could not have asked for better roommates!

7. I LOVE MY MAJOR! I should apply myself more because it is something I truly love.

8. I absorb information like a sponge (when its something that matters to me)

9. I'm such a mom!

10. Meeting new people is something I live for.

11. I am an independent woman and I don't need a man but I wouldn't mind someone to snuggle.

12. Our house is never clean. My room looks amazing when clean..... I should clean it again soon

13. I love my family more now than when i left for college last year. I miss my mommy all the time. :(

14. I am as in love with Nor-Cal (especially SF) as I am with Socal.

15. I love stealing katie's music. Its typically amazing. 

16. I really like hugs.

17. Im glad I have other people to hang out with now. Not because I don't love my best friend but because I want to keep my best friend and that requires giving ourselves some space. 

18. Nsync is the best ridiculous band ever.

19. I love creeping and i dont mind being creeped on.

20. sexual jokes are the best. awkwardly the best.

21. i need older friends. :-)

22. I still want to go to big college parties and I finally feel like I can go.

23. I don't hate anyone.

24. I love the gym. I LOVE VOLLEYBALL!

25. I love CARA and OLIVIA and LISA and HANNAH MAE! O101! <3>

26. The boys downstairs are really freaking hilarious. They make me laugh and make my day!

27. I need to venture into LA for USC more often.

28. i like to decorate.

29. boho chic.

30. I have a spending problem. I need a job. I hope the bookstore works out. 

you'll come back to me.

my own photo

It could not possibly be brighter outside right now. I refuse to sleep. I refuse to hide in my dark dark room. I feel so constrained by sleep, by darkness, by people, by time, by everything. I want to be able to do anything anytime. I'm currently residing on our balcony and loving it. I'm about to paint something. I'm restless. I'm always restless. I can go comatose later. Now I'm following my impulses and painting. Maybe I will even achieve my dream of falling asleep outside on our balcony. 

Till next time...

Party mentality

third person

I need to write these blogs when the thought is fresh in my head. This blog has been sitting in my draft box becoming stale for a week now. When you only know the subject of a blog and blurbs from the rough draft in your head, its hard to start over and write the same thing with the same feeling and the same emotion that would have been involved in the previous piece. With that said, I honestly have no idea what I was referring to with my title. If I ever do figure it out, I will for sure edit this to include that.

I love PostSecret. I have 4 secrets waiting for stamps, hoping to be included in Sunday Secrets. I love the concept of PostSecret. People's most inner thoughts and emotions and things they just can not bare to hurt peoples feelings with, or things they can not appropriately express their happiness over in words, all are place on creatively decorated postcards and shipped off to Germantown, where Frank sorts through and chooses the most appropriate secrets for sundays blog and even more importantly, the ones for the upcoming books. The level of emotion and creativity in this project renders it a must read for me. 

Till next time...

Developed.

Kiss me I'm contagious

I believe there is a term for the new disease I seem to have. I think they call it insomnia. Thats right. Nothing can get me to sleep. The alcohol in Nyquil, doesn't even phase me. The one thing that puts me into a sleepy mood is my ipod and a game of solitaire on it but even that is unappealing right now. Im too pre-occupied with everything around me. I want to try new things meet new people and there just aren't enough hours in the day to accomplish this. I want to create and explore but i don't have the funding. Projects put on hold until my bi-weekly money flows in. I try to get a job but no one seems to want to hire a college student eager to work with previous job experience. Anyways, I have much too creative of a mind to put a time constraint on, to force to sleep at a certain time. Its time to make hair clips and 2AM not sleep, its time to make a nice political poster at 4AM, not sleep. I just hate pushing those things back, id rather push sleep back, especially when I can, like on the weekends. The weekday is approaching, considering it is actually literally monday now, I have class at 10AM and then NAP TIME until my next class at 4 and let me tell you friend that is when I'll sleep. Now I'm off to visit Adalie as I never see her and she is working the butt-fuck of the AM shift and I am not ready to go to bed yet.

On a much more relevant to this post's images note, I'm planning my trip to SF/Berkley/Redwood City for the weekend of the 15th. I love San Francisco SO much! I'm excited to take the 35mm and shoot to my heart's content and see my gay boyfriend and Mary. I can't hardly wait.

I have more on my mind. Expect a few more posts this week. DAD. 

>:-/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/22378003@N07/

till next time...

"I know its sad but I never gave a damn about the weather"

"And if the birds are just hollow words flying along, singing a song,
What would they do?
If they just knew what they could do.
Oh, if they just knew."

I started this blog last week but never knew the words to express how i was feeling. I think the lyrics work perfectly fine alone. 

Also these are my pictures. There should be some film ones looking quite similar soon.

Just do[n't] it.

DO IT! 

(Pre)Weekend Update:

This is a truly brilliant advertisement.

I just wanted to update everyone since my hand-written blog: I saw a councilor today in my department and I am indeed on track. I need to declare my minor in art. That is all.

Till next time...

"So give up and let go of these feelings that I've had for you. Why couldn't YOU be the one?"

This election is really starting to heat up. There are a ton of important issues on the table. There is the issue of our failing economy. There is the issue of our foreign policy. There is the issue of Healthcare. Closer to home, specific to the state of California, is proposition 8. Proposition 8 is the "protection of marriage" proposition. The basic effect of prop 8 passing is that same-sex couples would not be granted the ability to marry, or be granted the rights and privileges associated with marriage. In my opinion, that is pure discrimination. Many in favor of the proposition state that marriage is a sacred bond between and man and woman under god. I agree that marriage is a sacred bond, I just don't believe it should be limited to man and woman. I think marriage is a term that is widely used outside of the church context as well. Those who say that marriage is a religious term are not only attempting to invalidate same-sex marriages, but are also, possibly unintentionally invalidating heterosexual marriages performed outside of the church. Any couple who's marriage does not take place in a church or is not presided over by a priest or pastor is not married either by the definition given to marriage to prevent homosexuals from taking part in "marriage." If we want to say that "marriage" is only valid for those having it performed in-church then any heterosexual couple "married" in the court is in the same situation as a homosexual couple without the term marriage: a civil union. If you don't want marriage to be invalidated for those heterosexual couples, supporting yes on 8 is not the answer. Despite this rational, the main point of the opposition to the proposition is the discrimination built into the proposed law. This is the first time in decades that an amendment to the law would be made taking away rights rather than granting rights. That is complete discrimination and is not fair. Everyone should be treated as a human being. Any christian can agree that that is in the basic teachings of the church. If you want to be true to your religion, practice tolerance and respect.

This whole blog was based off of a heated debate over a yes on 8 facebook status posted by a friend. Although I obviously do not agree with her position, the debate included a lot of name-calling and disrespect. If we don't respect the opposition, how can we expect them to respect our stance? 

My stance: NO ON 8

Obama/Biden 

Thank you for reading and please vote informed on November 4th.

Only one to satisfy; Dare to be one of us girl

This is what I do with my time when I should be sleeping.

I plan to lose my hair in a few hours! 

Its part of my restlessness.

I just hope I don't lose too much more of my individuality.

An adventure.

Till next time...

Across the Bridge

"I think its a lot colder here"

He lives on Drury Lane

I really want muffins!

I LOVE MUFFINS!

<3

suicide notes

credit where credit is due

Photograph taken by Meredith Farmer

Basically, I just took a much needed bath for relaxation and almost fell asleep. It made me think, what would happen if I died in our bathtub? Not like suicide as the title implies, but if i just DIED? I was thinking it would really be a terrible situation, not just because I would be dead, but because everyone would have to deal with that. Also, it sounds silly, but it is a true concern; I was just thinking about how awkward it would be having to carry my naked body out. When I do die, I would prefer to go out with clothes on.

Till next time...

Im hoping to follow my dreams tonight, Im dying to know where they're going.

I feel like I will always start with a picture. Pictures mean so much to me. Some people say that a picture is worth a thousand words, others choose to say that the photographer is refusing to live in the moment. focusing too much on capturing it forever. I believe that photographs tell stories, start stories, and enable people to remember events they experienced. 

I've come to the realization that I don't have enough time to make everything about me known. First impressions seem to go by too quickly. Next time I'm going to hand the person a list of my beliefs and accomplishments and tell them to judge me on what is on the list instead of their initial reaction to me.

Exploration is an amazing activity. I would have been a perfect candidate to explore the new world if I was born in the 1700s. I live to find new things, new ideas, new places, new people. 

Speaking of finding new people, that is my mission this week. I will find out when clubs have their meetings and darn-it I am going to meet some new people. I am dying to explore.

Till next time...