for coughing outloud

I feel like I never came home. I went through the motions of Christmas eve and Christmas. Besides getting some amazing gifts and being with my family I just wasn’t there. I don’t need a second family. I want to see MY family. I hardly ever see them anyways. I don’t need your family on top of mine. Don’t get me wrong, I love our secondary family, I just want to see my own family, or so I thought. After a very uncomfortable 3 night “vacation” I think I have had enough family time for this trip. Maybe I’ll be more keen to them when we aren’t all trying to share a hotel room. That was a disaster.

Anyways, I continue to be sick. My cough was part of the reason the family had a hard time in one room. I hate coughing. If you’ve never felt like you were dying try attempting to cough up phlegm. Its gross. It makes you feel like your head is going to fall off or that you will never be able to breath again. Its like those asthma public service announcements with the kid who says he feels like a fish out of water. I feel like I’m in a place where I cant breathe, swallow or live. I know this feeling all too well from my childhood asthma. I cant always cough it all out. I need to get my sinuses checked because I kinda wanna breath again. Its just a small desire.

This weekend I spent a lot of time taking pictures. I bought some black and white film. Im quite excited to see that developed. Speaking of developed, Kodak called me as we were entering San Francisco telling me they had some pictures of mine. Considering I assumed these rolls lost forever, this was amazing news to me. I don’t think I could have actually handled having these important personal art projects lost forever, especially before I even saw the results.

I’m going to go back to this ridiculously bumpy car ride and try to fall asleep. Slightly impossible with a dying ipod but I will try t last.

Till next time…

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas. 

♥ JK

wrong place, right time.

I have been sleeping on the couch for the past 3 days.

I have a bed.

I have a room.

Why can't I just sleep there?

Great question.

I realized that each day I became more confused with my feelings, the more naturally I gravitated towards my new sleeping place. I was comfortable. The couches are rock hard. 

I feel like I was pushing myself out of my own room. It is about as much of a mess as my mind was. 

I feel I have successfully cleared my mind and as a symbol I cleared my bed.

I'm going to go sleep there now, after I draw and write a back dated blog. 

Party Mentality Part II

Till next time...

you fucking spilled again?

why?
I had my plan.
I knew if you came you would shatter it.
why did you give me a gift.
I still think its just a friendly gift.
nothing more nothing less.
fuck my period and mood swings.
damn it.

when you lose something you cant replace...

light a match, douse a flame

Photo credit to Andrew Magill of Flikr.

My mind changes constantly. I have such varied emotions. They change as the time of the day changes. I spoke of boys and confusion previously and the same still holds true, except i am amazed at how quickly things can change. The person that is always around, is funny but seemingly a bad match for me is no longer on my mind as much. Since neither of us are willing to acknowledge the insignificance, or significance, of the other night, I have stopped thinking about it. I let girl mind kick in for like 5 minutes. I thought of what we would look like as a couple and I realized I don't care. I find you attractive in an awkward and odd way because of your personality. You are funny but you are not charming. You don't make me melt and it isn't worth it to keep thinking about something so insignificant as the possibility of having played footsies when I have much more important things to do. We can't even hold a conversation, not that we have really tried. I know that the you of this story does not have a high likely hood of reading this so I am not worried that he will be offended, but I should clarify that I am not tearing you down as a person or even as a person of interest. I still know there is some odd quality about you that attracts me to you. I believe it is your wit. Nonetheless, I am done allowing it to stress me out. 

Then there is a whole different character who makes me smile but may not think of me as I might be starting to think of him. He is interested in photography. We can hold a conversation, even if the conversation has other members, we tend to hold the reigns. You are sweet to me and my friends but sometimes I know I try too hard to have you notice me. I have ceased this because it really is pathetic to do. I will just talk to you like any other person. I hope you see me for the real me, not the person I sometimes seem like. I may wear bright colors and dresses but when it comes down to it I can rough it and I love the outdoors. I love adventure and I love to dance and be free and you seem like someone who shares those interests. On the other hand you also seem well sought after and I feel I have a very small chance of making it to the top of your priority list in terms of females. Thankfully, you have a personality that makes me feel like I don't have any reason to swoon over you. I think your friendship would more than suffice. You are a fun person to be around and that makes me happy. But lets not get ahead of yourself Joanna. You have not known this person long. I have a feeling though if I continue to visit my friends, a house you seem to frequent, we will get to know each other much better. 

Lastly, there is another you. He is sweet, older and a perfect gentleman. Normally I truly swoon over him and have to work to make words come out of my mouth. Today I gave you a hug and I felt nothing. I was no longer in "love" with you. I am not over you. We don't have enough to talk about. I need you to tell me your interests. I don't think one of them is me. That really doesn't bother me anymore. I think having you as an acquaintance is enough. :)

Till next time...

let me tell you about my best friend.

Photo credit for the picture (before I edited it a bit) goes to Mandy Crandell of Flikr.

I have been so worried about us lately. I wanted to feel like we were as close as before and I knew I was wrong. I needed my own space. I needed to remember why I love you. I needed to feel like you were my best friend. 

I am positive were still peachy. I know this because, no matter how hard I try to keep things to myself, to leave my problems in my own mind, I can never prevent myself from telling you. I will talk myself out of telling you something all day but by the time I see you or by the time were going to bed, I have to tell you. I need my best friends input. You are still a person I need in my life and I love. You are so important to me. If you meant nothing to me I wouldn't feel the need to tell you things. I wouldn't have my subconscious pushing the words out of my mouth into your ears no matter what. You always listen and respond and that is so important for me. you are truly a blessing in my life no matter how many small time "fights" we get into. I'm really sorry I am not as good of a listener to you as you are to me. Its my nature. I am too easily distracted but know I do love you and I want you to see that. To know that no matter how internally annoyed with you I can ever get, I still love you and I can never HATE you so please don't feel like I do.

with love,

Joanna

fancy footwork

Credit for this picture belongs to Madeleine Burke of Flikr. It's beautiful.

Where does the line cross from touching feet to playing footsies?

If you just leave your foot there and allow the other person to keep theirs there as well, are you playing footsies or just both being too stubborn to move your feet.

When do you ask the question if something has begun?

When do you understand the things you feel?

There are a few different people because of whom I have these questions to think about. Some have more urgent priority. Some are so wrong for me but I can't shake the random attraction, and some are perfect, or so they seem.

Boys are much too confusing. I normally don't even care but my hormones refuse to let me forget the people I like. 

Once again I find myself missing my fist "boyfriend," Chris and feeling bad about leading him on at the time because I didn't know what I wanted. Now I miss him occasionally and I miss his friendship more than anything. We didn't even begin as friends. We jumped straight from meeting at a show to having romantic conversations. 

I want a real relationship. I don't need one. I am not going to go search for one and I

m not going to complain when one doesn't see its way to me. 

Till next time...

you're in the city of wonder.

This first semester has been an adventure. 

Things I've learned so far:

1. Everyone who lives on the 1st. floor should leave their door open. 

2. I have really odd and confusing attractions to several guys who "arent my type"

3. I have a high alcohol tolerance. 

4. I will always miss my friends from home.

5. My phone can survive some crazy shit.

6. I could not have asked for better roommates!

7. I LOVE MY MAJOR! I should apply myself more because it is something I truly love.

8. I absorb information like a sponge (when its something that matters to me)

9. I'm such a mom!

10. Meeting new people is something I live for.

11. I am an independent woman and I don't need a man but I wouldn't mind someone to snuggle.

12. Our house is never clean. My room looks amazing when clean..... I should clean it again soon

13. I love my family more now than when i left for college last year. I miss my mommy all the time. :(

14. I am as in love with Nor-Cal (especially SF) as I am with Socal.

15. I love stealing katie's music. Its typically amazing. 

16. I really like hugs.

17. Im glad I have other people to hang out with now. Not because I don't love my best friend but because I want to keep my best friend and that requires giving ourselves some space. 

18. Nsync is the best ridiculous band ever.

19. I love creeping and i dont mind being creeped on.

20. sexual jokes are the best. awkwardly the best.

21. i need older friends. :-)

22. I still want to go to big college parties and I finally feel like I can go.

23. I don't hate anyone.

24. I love the gym. I LOVE VOLLEYBALL!

25. I love CARA and OLIVIA and LISA and HANNAH MAE! O101! <3>

26. The boys downstairs are really freaking hilarious. They make me laugh and make my day!

27. I need to venture into LA for USC more often.

28. i like to decorate.

29. boho chic.

30. I have a spending problem. I need a job. I hope the bookstore works out.